The US mediation service, Concord Mediation Group, has set up a YouTube channel to share stories to help re-imagine family separation. Grown up, the children’s stories remain poignant and pointed.
Trauma and taboo
In their brief videos, Rabbi Blass – “Prevent decades-long trauma” – and Tziri Frank – “Permission to speak: Stigma of divorce” – understand why their families split up, stressful though that was. They’ve both survived to tell the tale. Their concern is in the way separation happens and affects the children.
They both have important lessons to share. Their advice takes us much further than just to use the often belated – though valuable – mediation services.
If the parent is turning to the children for them to meet their emotional needs, that is a disastrous situation with a capital D … The feelings are painful and require a lot of attention and work so they do not cause even further trauma for all.
[Later with her own child’s special needs] … I remembered divorce and I remembered being silent and I said No. I said if we’re quiet about this it will be something we’re embarrassed about … So No, we’re not being quiet about this.
Young children of family separation and divorce, as well as wiser grown up children, have lots to teach us. Those harmful experiences motivate many thousands as parents, helpers and campaigners to try to do things better now.
But the good advice has yet to become the world’s norm. “Preventing decades of trauma” and “not remaining silent” are still not a common culture.
Separating means that stress pre-occupies families. Better awareness and help are around for sure. But still the over-riding common view points fraught parents straight to an adversarial legal system and its well-known harmful effects.
